It's Not Romantic, Baby, It's a Death Wish
by TheEdithFactory
Summary: TWOSHOT. Who could imagine the stress caused by one tiny little question? In response to his Lily problems, James seeks the help of his best friend and partner in crime. LJ


Hey, this is a little Fic I (Katie) thought of writing ages ago, then I finally got round to finishing when I stayed at Kelsey's the other day. We co-wrote it, much to our own great amusement and (hopefully) yours too! It should technically be a two shot but if you think we should stop here or make it longer or whatever please feel free to let us know your opinions in a nice review, huh? By the way, this was meant to be posted on Hallowe'en, as a memorial to the quarter-centinary- anniversary of James and Lily's deaths, but Kelsey's internet was down. So it's a bit late, but here it is!!! RIP x x

It's Not a Romantic Gesture, Baby, It's a Death Wish

_Chapter 1_

Awkward was not generally a word associated with James Potter.

There were plenty of _other _words that fitted him a whole lot better. Charming was one of them. As was arrogant. Sometimes, cheeky was the word of the day, if you caught him in the right mood.

But never awkward.

Which was why, as the usually charming/arrogant/cheeky young man leant cautiously over his best friends semi-unconscious body, there was a slightly disquieting aura about James Potter's being that had rarely, if ever, been revealed previously.

It was (as a Mr Sirius Black would later retell with great gusto) the sort of feeling one could only get prior to an Event of Great Importance.

"Sirius!" James jabbed sharply at his companions shoulder. "Sirius, wake up! I need to talk to you."

It was not clear whether or not it was the noise, or the incessant and most violent assault of the limbs, that awakened the other young man. Nonetheless, what had before resembled a tousled heap of white sheets and long, deep brown hair now appeared to have sprung arms and legs, and a chiselled, tanned and altogether very pleasing visage appeared between mattress and blanket.

"… grwawwzzup?"

James did not particularly seem in the mood for his friend's lack of early morning acuteness. Uncharacteristically, he clenched a handful of his hair for a moment and closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

Yes. It could be said that James Potter was Just a Bit Stressed.

"Sirius," he began, trying desperately to cover the strain in his voice. "Do you know what day it is?"

Truthfully, Sirius had absolutely no idea what day it was. In fact, he didn't have much idea of a lot of things; his memory seemed to have temporarily deserted him. He _thought_ he had a vague memory of House Elves and table dancing, but he supposed that could have been a dream.

Looking blankly up at The Face - which was, he noted with some indignance, wearing an expression far too sombre for the time of day - he wondered vaguely what he had done wrong.

He could not recall anything immediately.

No drunken memories from the night before? Check

No naked incredibly attractive redhead in his bed? He looked round for any telltale signs. No, all he could see was a rolled up sock and his own manly physique.

Oh God, it wasn't James' birthday, was it???? No, that was months away, he was sure of it.

He could not even think of an instance where he had come on to any of James' relations, despite the fact that his cousin Iris was clearly gagging for some action.

No, Sirius was stumped. He smiled sweetly up at The Face, hoping that if he was nice enough, it might go away and leave him to a nice long lie in.

James wasn't even looking at him. He had appeared to have suddenly developed a large amount of interest in the opposite wall.

"Sirius," he started slowly. "It's mine and Lily's, ummmm…well, you see…er, yeah. It's mine and Lily's anniversary today."

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. So it _wasn't_ anything he had done wrong. That was nice to know. Now The Face would go away, and he could just roll over contentedly, snuggle up and sleep.

It took Sirius Black approximately nine seconds to realise that there was something not quite right. Anniversary + Lily + James happiness, right? Therefore, it logically followed that James + anniversary very very good thing. Sirius knew enough about maths to know that this particular equation did not add up. He rolled back over, heaving his slumber-filled body parts into some semblance of a seated pose.

"Waiiiit ah second." It was still incredibly early by his mental clock, and hence he was finding it rather more difficult than usual to formulate a coherent sentence.

"It's your anniversary?" he finally managed to get out.

"Yes," James replied, looking at Sirius as if expecting a further response.

Much as he loved James (in a purely platonic and heterosexual way, naturally) Sirius was beginning to feel that perhaps this conversation might possibly be entering the realms of emotional instability, and therefore had far more potential to develop into an Incredibly Awkward Situation. In fact, he had the horrible feeling that James looked a little bit embarrassed. Surely he was not expecting him to Talk About Feelings??? Surely he had not forgotten the fateful day in third year where he had made James swear an oath that, if ever one of them wanted to talk about feelings, they would go to a girl? Or Remus!

Vigilance, as far as Sirius was concerned, was what was needed in these circumstances. And he had every intention of remaining vigilant.

"So," he cleared his throat, a fleeting image of cooked breakfast flitting into his mind as he realised the injustice of such an overly stressful start to the morning. "So."

James looked expectant, chewing his lip nervously.

"So." He glanced around the room, checking for escape routes.

"So..." Perhaps he could fit through that ventilation shaft? It looked big enough, and he _had_ lost a lot of weight since he joined the Order.

"Is there, umm, a problem?" he asked finally, trying to look as nonchalant as possible in the hope that it would deter James' expected emotional tirade.

"Sirius." He was not sure if it was comforting or disturbing that James looked quite as uncomfortable as himself "Umm, you know how much I love Lily?"

Oh sweet MERLIN'S PUBES it was about his feelings. Sirius was not in view of a mirror at that moment, but he was sure that if he had been he would have just seen himself visibly pale.

"Um, James mate….." he began hesitantly, "I know you need to talk about this stuff and all, err, yeah, but yeah, do you think you could, errrrm….. Go talk to Moony about it? You know that, err, he is better at these things than me, so, yeah."

James' already flushed face turned a rather deeper shade of beetroot.

"Err," he looked momentarily lost for words. "Well, you see, the thing is…. I wanted you to be the first to know…"

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"You're doing WHAT???" If the moment had not been so serious, it is perfectly possible that the look of horror on Sirius' face would have become the butt of Marauder jokes for many months to come. However, there was the rising feeling of nausea inside James himself that prevented any witty comebacks.

"I… I just thought…" In vain, James tried to conjure up a rationalisation for his recently exploded bombshell.

"I mean, I love her, and she loves me……" Sirius gagged slightly, then looked apologetic and gestured with a weak hand for his best friend to continue.

"I mean, it seemed natural…" Sirius paled visibly and swallowed. James pretended not to notice.

"I mean, it's what people do, right? I thought you liked Lily?" Sirius nodded, feeling that his oft-used phrase of 'I'd do her any day' might seem slightly inappropriate considering the situation.

"And it's romantic…….. SIRIUS!!!! STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT LILY!!!!!"

Sirius looked indignant, finally finding his voice. Yes, he MIGHT have been imagining a scenario in which the current wizarding rations had resulted in Lily not being able to afford the most basic amenities. Like clothes. Or underwear. Which could (he accepted, rather grudgingly), considering James' recent revelation, be seen as rather inappropriate.

"I was doing no such thing!!!" If in doubt, deny everything. That was Sirius' motto. After all, it HAD worked before. Like that one time when…. Sirius' thought train ground to a screeching halt as he noted the icy expression lingering on his friend's face. After a few seconds of this, James seemed to decide that this would be a good time to just let it go. He grinned.

The ice, which had been growing to glacial standards, finally broke. Sirius let out a breath he had unconsciously been holding for about 5 minutes, finally realising that he was on the verge of asphyxiation.

"But…." He sighed, frowning at the wall. "Marriage, mate. It's a big step." Normally, Sirius would have chastised himself at the glut of clichés, but in all honesty he could not think of one other thing to say.

"Yeah I know." James rubbed the back of his neck- a habit he often indulged in during awkward moments. "But, you know….."

"You…" Sirius gulped, not quite able to believe he was about to say what he was thinking ". Love…… her?"

"Well, actually I was going to say that I never really thought of it as a small step. But that too."

"Oh." Sirius reddened.

"So….." James paused for a moment to revel in the emotional strain he was forcing his best friend to endure "What do you think I should do?"

If there was anything Sirius did not know at that moment, what to do would have come in the top three. His reputation at Hogwarts had been less in the realms of 'Romantic Gentleman' and more at the 'man-whore' end of the spectrum. But still. He had left Hogwarts now. He was mature. He was an adult. He could handle these things. And what's more, he could handle them well. Yes, yes… sorting out a friend's engagement woes was all in a days work for an accomplished young male like himself. Sirius decided that perhaps it was time to use his romantic imagination. This part of his brain, he reasoned, had never before let him down. Mind you, he had never _actually _used this side of his brain before. But still. A clean record is a clean record is a clean record. And all that jazz.

Suddenly, without warning, a burst of inspiration hit him. How could James jnot have thought of this? It was perfect!

"I think," he began excitedly, temporarily forgetting that this was meant to be, by all measures of manliness, an Awkward Situation, "That you should get a bottle of firewhiskey and get her really, really drunk, and I'm talking plastered here, mate. Then, give her a night to remember, and then in the small hours when you've, well, _unleashed the hounds,_ if you know what I'm saying and all that, you can pop the old question, and then she can't _possibly _say no!"

Sirius rounded off his speech with a satisfied smirk. He had to hand it to himself – he'd really pushed the boat out this time on the old ideas front.

James stared at him in silence.

"You think…you think there's a possibility that she'd say no?"

Sirius pondered this for a few seconds. Lily did, he reasoned, seem to have a soft spot for his friend. He couldn't see any particular reason why she wouldn't say yes. But better safe than sorry.

"Well, no. Not if you use LOTS of firewhiskey."

"It's not a bit…well…unromantic?"

Sirius looked affronted. "What the hell are you implying?"

"Erm, don't you think there should be roses and stuff? And maybe a restaurant or two?"

Sirius thought for a moment.

"...Nah, my way's good."

James looked anxious. "Are you sure? I mean…it has to be…special. Getting drunk could seem a little…?"

Sirius considered this for a moment. "Well," he began thoughtfully, "You can always Obliviate her and do it with the mushy crap if my way goes pear shaped."

There was a beat of silence.

"You," said James shortly, "Are an absolute, total and utter GENIUS!" He rose triumphantly, the look in his eyes far away and dreamy. "Just _wait _until I tell Remus!"

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"What. The. Hell."

Sirius and James stared expectantly at their fellow Marauder, anticipation written all over their faces. James was even jigging slightly.

"Well?" burst out Sirius eventually, tiring of the frozen silence emanating from Remus. "What d'you reckon?"

Remus continued in his stony silence for a few seconds before finally realising that he was supposed to answer. He sighed.

"Would you like the long version or the short version?" James and Sirius exchanged glances.

"Remus, in all the time you have known us, have you any recollection of us wanting the long version of anything?"

"So that's the short version then?" They nodded enthusiastically, apparently still under the impression that they were about to be praised for their immense genius.

Remus sighed.

"It's crap. Complete and utter crap. Not only is it crap, but it is crap in its purest element. It is, to be precise, a steaming pile of dragon dung so deep that you would need a compass and several highly trained escape wizards to navigate your way out of it."

James glared angrily at Sirius. "See – I TOLD you it had to be roses! Getting drunk – what the hell was THAT? What kind of Romantic Gent are you?!"

Sirius looked hurt. "_I_ liked it," he said in deeply offended tones.

Remus raised an eyebrow at that. "_You _liked the idea of giving Longbottom those Bowtruckle droppings under the pretence that they were chocolate drops," he told Sirius severely. " - and look how THAT turned out!" Remus broke off as James and Sirius began sniggering at the memory.

He snorted derisively, barely able to conceive the idea that James was soon to become a husband to some poor defenceless girl. Not that Lily was either poor or defenceless, but even Miss Evans could not compete with the supreme idiocy of he fated to become her future 'spouse'.

"So," said James eventually, the smirk still not quite faded from his face. "What do you think we should do, O Wise One? Roses, perhaps? Chocolates? Madam Puddifoots for a scone with jam?" He looked wisely at Sirius, who nodded admiringly.

Remus looked disdainful. "James, there's a fine line between class and cheese. You are currently standing in the realms of Mature Cheddar."

"Well, what then?"

Remus smothered a laugh. It was ridiculous, he thought smugly to himself, how the rest of mankind could never think above one level. What a good job he was sensitive enough to solve these sorts of problems. "Look," he said kindly, "This is Lily's special night. Something to tell your kids about…"

Sirius gagged once more – the thought of his best mate procreating was almost too much for him to bear. Both Remus and James ignored him – James was listening, enraptured, to Remus' speech.

"…so," finished Remus, a few hours later, "That's the plan."

He looked up. Somewhere along the line James had produced a notebook, and was still scribbling fervently. The only thing Sirius had produced, on the other hand, was a large quantity of drool as he all but slept where he stood.

"So…" James concluded, scanning his notes, "Where do we get the brass band from?"

Remus thumped a palm to his head. "James – that was a metaphor for your heart thumping away as you gaze into Lily's emerald green orbs…"

James tutted at himself and made a few amendments. "Of _course_…"

"Hey, James?" said Sirius suddenly, awakening from his stupor, "Much as it pains me to interrupt your little girlie chin wag, weren't you meant to meet Lily like, half an hour ago?"

There was a pause. James looked up from his notes. Remus's lecture came grinding to a halt.

"OH, CRAP!"

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Ok dudes. I really hope you liked it! Please review!! And feel free to check out our other story (Story of The Year), which is like, our literary baby.

"Free Naked Marauders"™ to all reviewers! Take your pick of which one!!!

xxxTheEdithFactoryxxx


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